Choosing Forgiveness

I had just started studying Nancy’s book, Seeking Him, when I became suspicious that my husband was having an affair. We were both actively involved in church leadership, and my husband was serving in a ministry with the woman I suspected. This woman was also my friend, whom I was ministering to in her troubled marriage.

I suspected the affair the moment it began on my husband’s part and confronted him many times, only to hear denial and lies. I sought help from one my pastors, hoping he would at least confront and remove them from ministry. However, my pastor didn’t believe my suspicions, and their affair continued with no hope of any change. My heart was heavy with anger and hopelessness. The affair was devastating every part of my life: my home, my work, my children, my ministry, and my church. My husband continued to live a deceitful life while destroying his own. My friend continued to deceive me with calculated plans to keep her secret, all the while trying to get closer to me as a friend. I continued to plead with my pastor to help me, only to be accused of being a bitter and jealous wife. My husband and this other woman continued in ministry together.

As I studied Seeking Him, the Lord showed me the wickedness of unrepentant sexual sin. I prayed and sought God for the Truth to be revealed. He answered my prayer, and my husband fell under conviction and confessed to his affair. I was devastated beyond description. My whole life and world fell apart in an instant. The lies and betrayal were so intense. My whole being filled up with anger and fear toward my husband, friend, and pastors. I didn’t see any hope for our marriage. So many questions and fears overwhelmed me as I thought about our children. But the Lord held me up with the Truth of His Word, a few supportive friends, and godly counsel. The Lord hung on to me when I had no strength to hang on. He continued to give me hope through His Word.

As my husband and I sought biblical counseling, we began the process of reconciliation and forgiveness. I didn’t think I would have any forgiveness to offer or any hope to trust him again. But every moment of every day, I leaned on the strength of God’s compassion, and I began to heal.

My husband was not only humiliated, but humbled to a point I’ve never seen in a man before. He was devastated not only by his sin against me, but by his sins against God. He confessed and repented one sin at a time. He publicly confessed and asked for forgiveness from the church leadership, ministry, and my family, even though no one asked him to. By God’s grace, my heart began to see my husband through God’s eyes. My husband was a new creation in Christ.

As I prayed that the Lord would show me if my husband was truly repentant and a changed man, He gave me Proverbs 28:13, “He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.” I knew the Lord was telling me to forgive my husband. We continued biblical counseling and experienced a new marriage. A broken marriage that seemed beyond repair was completely restored and new again. The Lord brought me to a place of faith that I’ve never been before. The fundamental truths of God were tested and found to be true to me. He is faithful. He is good and causes all things to work together for my good. He is gracious and forgiving. He is trustworthy.

Although I was able to forgive my husband, I still struggled with forgiving my friend and the church leadership. I attended a Revive Our Hearts Conference at that time, and Nancy gave us a 30-day challenge to spend time with the Lord each morning. I accepted her challenge and decided to continue studying Seeking Him. (I had never completed Seeking Him, as I had found out about the affair right when I got to the chapter on forgiveness.) 

 I forced myself to be in God’s Word, completed the forgiveness chapter twice, and studied verses on forgiveness and grace. After the study and 30 days of seeking God, I had the truth of forgiveness in my mind. I knew I needed to act on that truth and choose forgiveness. Every moment of every day, I forced myself to make choices to forgive. For every angry and painful thought, I surrendered and chose to forgive. But I continued to face the torment of memories and the intense feelings of anger and pain. I struggled with confusion. Was I not truly forgiving if I continued to have these intense feelings?

Then I attended another Revive Our Hearts Conference. Nancy had just published her new book, Choosing Forgiveness. I purchased it the first night of the conference and took it back to my hotel room and read as much as my eyes allowed, late into the night. Reading the life stories of women who were deeply wounded touched my heart. I knew God understood my pain. I wanted to quickly get to the chapter on “What True Forgiveness Is and Isn’t.” In that chapter, Nancy says:

“ . . . Many people who genuinely want to find themselves on the other side of forgiveness have bought into myths and misconceptions that have defeated their best attempts at following through. They have misunderstood what forgiveness should look like, feel like, and be like. As a result, they’ve found their journey to freedom frustrated . . . But forgiveness can’t be proven by our feelings, any more than it can be motivated or empowered by them. Forgiveness is a choice. And feelings often aren’t. It’s quite possible to forgive someone in totally the right way—God’s way—and still have thoughts flash across your mind that completely contradict the decision you made” (pp. 170-172).

As I read this, a burden was lifted. I got clarity about the true meaning of forgiveness. I wept as I thanked God for forgiving me. I thanked Him that He orchestrated the Revive Our Hearts Conference for me.

The next day of the conference, Nancy spoke on forgiveness. She gave an illustration of how we are in bondage with the person we haven’t forgiven. Once and for all, I laid my perpetrators at the feet of Jesus and I surrendered my need and wants for vengeance and justice, even when I had never received an apology from my friend or my pastors. I was set free by the Word of God, and was encouraged by Nancy that I have to continue to choose forgiveness, and my feelings will eventually follow. 

God has given me His Word, the wise counsel of many, and His Spirit to enable me to forgive. My marriage has been restored. Only through Christ is this possible. Thank you, Nancy, and Revive Our Hearts, for ministering to me and my family.        

—Anonymous